all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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