I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
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