The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
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