It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
