I just cut my nipple shaving
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
