I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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