upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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