I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
