first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
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