I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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