If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
honey bunches of taint.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
