party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
