you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Randomize
