I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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