Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
