??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Randomize
