Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
