I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
