My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I need moral support for this bender
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
