Need sex. Gaining weight.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
