i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Randomize
