Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
