Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
