my room smells like sperm. sweet.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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