he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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