marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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