I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
