Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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