Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
