I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
