I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
