when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
