Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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