direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
