grandma shit on top of the toilet
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
