The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
