Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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