I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
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