I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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