just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
