he was CRYING into my vagina
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Randomize
