I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
