new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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