did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
