she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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