it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Randomize
