The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Randomize
