I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Operation Purity has been aborted
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Randomize
