I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
