apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Randomize
