they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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